Sometimes, i wonder what is it i really want.

Why cant i just take a stand and stay by it, getting swayed so easily. Jealousy is really a something not to to be trifled with. i finally understand what i have been feeling all these while. Jealousy, envy, fear. i guess that pretty sums up everything.

Its been a month since you are attached with him. Just felt that i should blog today of what i have been feeling recently. There has been period of ups and down i must say, i guess this might be due to my belief of hormone flunctuations, which does not only happen in girls but guys as well. Been moody these few days and i sort of expected i would feel terrible today. I guess what my friends tell me is true, its will be hell lot harder to let go if u still wanna keep in contact constantly for now and still keep both friendship together. Sometimes i really wished i can just go missing for a period and take the time off to recover and be uncontactable, it might really help in all these. I can still remember how i really isolated myself during the days of breakup last time.

Many things have happened these few days but i cant really rememeber all of them off hand now so i shall write what i can remember. You came down on sunday to support his match and even though my match was like so much later i came down early for i don't know what reason, maybe cause u wanted me to, maybe cause i was just too bored. We had some chatter and you actually told me that he though we will end up together. How funny is that, i gave u that face and just diss it off without thinking much at that point of time to prevent any awkwardness that it might bring. Don't really know why i want to bring this up, but this just came to my mind suddenly. The day before yt came to support kun and we chatted about you and him, she actually asked me a lot of questions about why i didn't take any action but i just quickly change topic and  the short term memory forgotten about it. Sometime i really wonder why i do such stuff. Running away from reality?? Dont want people to know my feelings fearing it will reach you? i don't know. But during shower time kun said they are together already. CONGRATS KUNNY!. hats off to you. i really wish i could be you sometimes. Be trueful to yourself and go for what you want. I'm amazed that you all actually seriously chatted up 1-2 months and are now together. if only i had been like you things would be like this. All the best kunny, i'll assist u all the way if you need help. I would mind being raymond in your case. I guess why he was able to do it, its cause he never had feelings for the girl before and so it was easy when the 3 of them went out and even helping out his bro when he is busy, and also maybe it is that i am far more closer to you than him.

Another thought i had is about the hk trip we are going to have. i was really thinking if i should go. wouldn't it be awkward? like you and him, your mum and cousin, and me. The only convincing reason i gave myself was: " hey tf, just go man, take it like maybe sort of a solo trip with company to let my parents at ease but actually i am travelling alone. who knows maybe you might hit off well with the mum or cousin and end up chatting and shopping?, even if i don't, i can just explore everything myself, it would be such a nice expeierence!" so to hk i shall go then. i really hope that by the time we are going to fly, time has healed much of everything.

You know, deep inside i already know after this incident, it quite hard for us to be together. Even if things do not work out between you 2, which i really hope not, by that time i guess i have and hopefully so, let go of stuff. All i am trying to do, or think of doing,  is to give you my well wishes and support but somehow i aint really doing it. its really too hard to let go when we are still in contact, yet if we really become uncontactable, you will definately notice it. i really hope time will heal all.

Its funny how i keep asking you to do stuff for him when you really don't really think much about certain events. I guess its just me helping you out. People would have called me stupid i guess.

Read this interesting article on fb about life changing quotes and stuff and here i shall go quoting one of them which reflects pretty much for me.

"The only failure in your 20s is inaction, the rest is trial and error."

Link: http://www.savvysugar.com/Life-Changing-Inspirational-Quotes-34157152#photo-34180490

So true indeed.

That aside, 2NE1 IS SO AWESOME!! i am so going to get this album. knowing the english lyrics made it even better, totally reflects my feelings sometimes. Go listen to the album if u have not!

Tian Fong.

I haven blogged for 2 days as i left my laptop at my sis place and was kind of tired to write using the desktop as well. Well nothing has really much happened i guess. Somehow as the days pass, i do notice certain changes as time goes, but its normal i suppose. Maybe i just think too much about it, but i'm definately no longer (or wasn't before) the first person you will text when you are free or finish up your stuff and you sometimes do forget to reply i guess but i don't blame you, its normal for i do that myself to my friends sometimes as well.

Was watching some romance/love anime the past few days and found it quite interesting. Its about how a girl was madly in love with this guy and was very stalker and clingy. but they end up broke up and she fell in love with his friend. This friend actually had amnesia and forget about his past which he love someone else and got into a relationship with this girl, and somehow he starts to rememeber about the past and he becomes confused. Amazingly the guy's old flame managed to acted like they didn't knew each other even they saw each other in college and became friend agains until the guy ownself found out about his past and the story goes on which i haven't finish it up. Quite hard to understand unless you watch it, and i don't even know how i manage to watch so many episode since i am no fan of that genre of animes. Maybe its cause of the recent events which maybe make me able to watch such shows.

you went down to spectate the matches today and we barely met if it wasnt that we dragged and left late. Sorry that i didn't bother to chat with you as i was busy talking to others and i assume you were busy talking to galvin. I guess its sort of appeared that i was ignoring you. Was kind of funny when we came back after eating to watch the game and you seem surprised to see me, guess you didn't expect me to come back. We didn't really talk much i guess. Hope we can really meet up and talk cock like how we used to. i really missed those days.

Time to rest up for start of school tomorrow. Gosh, theres Panal discussion presentation this week! hope all goes well.

Ciao~

Tian Fong

Things are starting to get better by the days. i guess time really does heal things that hurt. It kind of made me think today, how is it i was able to let go of it? I really wonder. It is that my feelings for her arent real? which is why i was able to feel better in after this period of time. Or was it that i managed to make myself determined enough to become just a friend and so long as she is happy. I just hope that my feelings that i have these few days are real and not just caused by some other stuff

Thinking back at my first relationship, it also didnt took me that long to feel normal. Roughly a week or so or maybe even less until i didn't feel a thing about it anymore, but whenever i do certain things i am still reminded of her, but i can feel that i have let go of it, but maybe the situation was different so i was able to let go faster, after all i saw her cheating on me.

i wonder sometimes, when i say something and i may not fully feel it, or acting normal when i am not at that point of time, how will others think. I know that in time it will be alright and everything will be back to normal, so i replied ok or alright, but definately at the point of question it may not be so, so does it make me a hypocrite? or am i just being nice as i dont wan to offend anybody or make someone hate me?

I just really hope that we will still be able to stay as foodie buddies and friends despite all these obstacles. If we really do, our friendship i guess can be said to be impossible to break anymore. Should you one day decide to leave its perfectly ok if your husband/boyfriend wants it to be so, i guess i will be sad but if u are able to find your happiness then, i should be happy for you and give you my best wishes (: Winnie the Pooh no.11 and 13 yo! :D

http://m.9gag.com/gag/a1A2RBP?ref=fb.s

If u ever somehow know of this and read it, please don't cry, your pretty face requires laughter not sadness.

Ciao

TF

Things have started to die down after sometime and my emotion are starting to to be controlled by me again. Just as my bad feeling predicted, it was a 3 man outing, but at least it wasnt as bad as before, not as bad as on monday when we went for movies. I guess its cause of how i decided to set my mind to be.

Its impossible for what i wish for to happen, so i shall assume another role in your life i guess. I hope i will be able to stay at there forever and not leave, its hard for me to leave you actually. Despite all the random talks we had on the way hope and some clarifications of how i find it awakard for 3 man outings now, honestly i never had the intention of leaving cause i know it would be pain both for me and you, if it doesnt for you i guess something is just wrong with me. All i wish for is that you have found your happiness (:

I guess reading that random chinese book about relationship at popular somewhat helped me at letting it go slowly, as well as the winnie the pooh words. At least i felt good today and not terrible like that day.

There isnt much to talk about today i guess. Dont really know if revealing so much of what i think to you is the right thing to do. It wasnt my intention too. Its so hard to balance out when we said to be honest and transparents as BFFs but there are so many things that you cannot know else trouble might be caused. telling you so much i guess has already made some what of an impact which i didnt want it too. I just hope i can keep whatever else that you don't know with me and let this be something burried down in my heart where nobody except my bros know.

Ill recover soon and be your foodie buddy and dad in no time. dont worry!

Ciao~

Tian Fong